Espada Tales
by star-stickies
Summary: Collection of fairy tales completely killed with a change of characters to Espadas. Pure CRACK. Chapter 8: Porcelain white and the seven shrimps/Snow white and the seven dwarves
1. Grimmjow & Ulquiorra

**I don't own Bleach or ANY of the fairy tales I have prodied here :P**

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**Chapter 1: Grimmjow and Ulquiorra (Hansel and Gretel)**

"Now kids, mummy is sick. So I want you to walk into that forest over there and never come ba—I mean, why don't you go take care of her?" Aizen said to his two children, Ulquiorra and Grimmjow.

"Why do you want us to walk in the forest and never come back?" Grimmjow said bluntly, not knowing the meaning of what Aizen really meant. He thought maybe his dad just wanted them to chop wood or something.

"…! _Damn….he saw right through me…this kid is smarter than I thought…_Oh, don't be silly, that was a…joke. Now go take care of mummy now, ok?" Aizen, obviously wrong, thought Grimmjow had seen through him, when in fact, he didn't mean anything like that at all.

"Come on, let's go Grimmjow." Ulquiorra dragged Grimmjow to their mother's room.

* * *

Meanwhile, Aizen was plotting his next plan, thinking desperately hard to get them into the forest and never come back. He never thought fooling kids was so hard. At least for him, anyway.

* * *

The next day, Aizen set to carry out his plan, and he did this in the form of a story.

"Today, I have something for you two to do. In the forest, deep, deep into the forest, there's a paedophi—wit—nice old ma—lady. She has a house there, and everything is made of candy. And if you can find her, she'll reward you with a feast! Can you two go to hi—her house for me?" Aizen explained, trying to maintain a grin on his face.

"Dad, what's a paedophile?" Ulquiorra asked plainly.

"Um…A nice old lady."

"Are there gonna be witches?" Grimmjow asked, excited.

"Yes…I mean no! No, yes! But a good one." Aizen tried to squirm his way out of this conversation.

"Now why don't you go and come back with things for daddy and mummy?" Aizen finally said, hoping this would dismiss them.

"Ok!!" Grimmjow and Ulquiorra replied in unison.

--

"I wonder where this paedophile is…" Grimmjow said while trudging through the thick bushes in the forest, still unaware of what the word really meant.

"Yeah…I hope this good witch will give us some good food. I think we're almost there though. I can smell something nice." Ulquiorra looked around, trying to see where this 'smell' came from.

"Oh look! There she is!" Grimmjow pointed to a big house made from gingerbread.

Outside the house, there stood a witch. She carried a huge lollipop on her back, and seemed to be taking care of plants. For what Aizen called an 'old lady', she seemed to be rather skinny and a bit too tall for one. But then again, nothing like this ever bothered Grimmjow or Ulquiorra.

"Look Ulquiorra, it's the paedophile!"

"Yeah!! We found the witch!"

She turned around. What in fact they thought was a 'she' turned out to be a 'he' with long black hair. Ulquiorra and Grimmjow felt a chill go up their spines, after seeing 'his' face.

"My, my. Little children. What are you here for?" He said.

"Are you the paedophile of the woods?" Grimmjow asked.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"

"What's you name?" Ulquiorra asked, trying to sound more polite.

"Why, my name's Nnoitora. Is that your brother over there little girl?" Nnoitora pointed to Grimmjow.

"We heard you have lots of candy here, can we have some?" Ulquiorra proceeded to try sounding more polite so 'she' would give them some.

"Hey paedophile, don't animals eat your house?" Grimmjow fired another irritating question at Nnoitora.

"I'M NOT A PAEDOPHILE AND NO, ANIMALS **DO NOT **EAT MY HOUSE. NOW DO YOU WANT TO COME INTO MY HOUSE AND EAT CANDY OR NOT?!" Nnoitora couldn't take it anymore and screamed at Grimmjow.

* * *

Inside the house, Nnoitora repeatedly fed Ulquiorra and Grimmjow, hoping to make them fatter so he could cook them.

"I thought only pirates had eye-patches." Grimmjow said rudely, over the dinner table, with food stuffed in his mouth.

"Now, if you speak with your mouth full of food I can't hear what you're saying." Nnoitora was trying to ignore Grimmjow's rude questions.

"Why don't you come with me? I have something to show you." Nnoitora tried to trick Grimmjow, so he could lock him into a cage, and then make Ulquiorra his slave.

"Really? But I don't feel like it. So I think me and Ulqui are gonna leave now." Grimmjow was taking tons of candy and ready to leave with Ulquiorra.

Angry at having his plans foiled, Nnoitora would stop them from leaving. After all, he usually didn't get many children stumbling across his house. Nnoitora had gotten lost in his thoughts. The anger building up in him was unbearable.

"Oh...you're not going anywhere." Nnoitora got up from his seat, ready to catch Grimmjow and Ulquiorra. But much to his surprise, no one was there. Grimmjow and Ulquiorra had already left while he was building up his anger. To make matters worse, they had even taken his gigantic lollipop of unbearable size and took some of his treasure.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Nnoitora screamed in agony at what had just happened.

* * *

Back at Grimmjow and Ulquiorra's home, they saw Aizen.

"Daddy!" Ulquiorra shouted, arms full of treasure.

"Welcome back kids, did you get rape—fed well? Wait…HOW THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE?!"

* * *

I guess kids are harder to trick than you thought.

* * *

a/n: How did you find it? please reveiw if possible~ This is not the end. I'm still gonna write more. The next will be 'Little Green Riding hood (Little red riding hood)'. I'm also open for suggestions, so if there's a fairy tale you want me to kill, then please put it in with your reveiw. I have a lot in mind, so you can just wait if you don't have any ideas. : DD


	2. Little Green riding hood

**I don't own Bleach or this fairy tale! XD**

a/n: Thanks for everyone who reviewed in the last chappie : D I have lots of ideas now! I don't think this one is as good...so please still try and enjoy is possible : 3

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**Chapter 2: Little Green Riding Hood (Little Red Riding Hood)**

"Ulquiorra dear, would you be so kind to take this gift for your sick grandpa living in the woods? It would be greatly appreciated." Halibel handed Ulquiorra a basket with fruit, books and other gifts.

"Of course, mother. You don't need to ask." Without hesitation, Ulquiorra took the basket and left for the woods.

"Take care, dear!" Halibel waved and wished him a safe trip.

"I will!" Ulquiorra skipped happily into the woods. Little did he know what was in store for him…

* * *

"I'm pretty sure grandpa's house is around here…I must've gotten lost. Oh dear, what should I do?" Ulquiorra looked around for any place that seemed familiar. He was sure he took the right turn…maybe.

"Hey little boy, are you lost?" A wolf came from around the trees, with small eyes, and a gigantic grin.

Ulquiorra gasped. "Who…who are you? No…**What** are you?"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, how rude! I am a wolf, and my name is Gin. Gin Ichimaru. And you are?"

Ulquiorra was completely shocked to the point of no return. What. The. Heck. Was all Ulquiorra could think of. First of all, a random retard wolf appears out of nowhere. Secondly, the THING is talking to him. Great. Now what should he do?

"I'm Ulquiorra." Ulquiorra was trying to avoid this…**thing** as much as he could. He hoped he would be able to lose him, but Gin was more persistent than he thought. He had a _sick grandpa _to tend to.

"Oh, how cute. Say, where were you planning to go, little boy? You do seem lost. Maybe **I **can help." Gin opened his eyes a little, yellow slits now glaring at Ulquiorra. But Ulquiorra was no fool…maybe.

"Oh! You'll help me? Sure! I need to get to my grandpa's house. Can you take me there?" Ulquiorra pointed in the direction he thought his grandpa's house was.

"Huh?! Well, um…sure…" One, Gin had not expected Ulquiorra to agree so hastily. Two, he had no idea where the fuck Ulquiorra's grandpa's house was, so he was in dip shit. Three, in actual fact, he didn't even know where he was now. He just followed Ulquiorra 'cause he seemed tasty. Maybe if he took the boy to his grandpa's house, then he could get two meals.

* * *

"Thank you, Gin-san! Now I can see my grandpa. See you some other day." Ulquiorra waved at the wolf and said bye.

"Oh, no problem. Just doing what I can to help you, little boy." Gin turned around with a smug grin, having evil plans in his mind.

* * *

Ulquiorra entered his grandpa's house. There on the bed lay a sick man, with brown hair. He looked green and frail.

"Grandfather Aizen, are you feeling ok? I've brought some gifts for you from mother." Ulquiorra placed the basket on Aizen's bed table. There was no reply from Aizen.

"…? Grandfather Ai----EEEEEEYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Ichimaru had popped out of nowhere and had just randomly eaten Aizen. What. The. Fuck.

"Hnnn…I don't fancy eating an old fart, however I don't get meals often, so it tasted alright, I guess." He shot Ulquiorra a stare, meaning he was next. But just then…

BAM!

The room wall came down. A man with a chainsaw came in.

"Sorry! I was chopping down trees and I accidently mistook this wall of your house for a tree! I'll just be leaving now--." The blue haired man was going to walk out.

"STOP!!!!" Ulquiorra screamed. He certainly wasn't going to let these two fags 1) Destroy his grandpa's house. 2) Let his grandpa be eaten.

"What? Do you want me to kill the wolf?" The blue haired man turned around to look back at Ulquiorra. "I **could** use a new coat."

Without another thought, the blue haired man killed (well, not really) the wolf and took away Ulquiorra with him.

* * *

Aizen's point of view: "That son of a bitch left me and took off with his boyfriend! You outta teach him a lesson! You're his mother! Those kids these days and their fantasies, relationships, technology and their…"

"…You can stop now." Halibel hung the phone up.

* * *

And Grimmjow and Ulquiorra lived happily ever after…maybe

-

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow arrived at Ulquiorra's house. They knocked on the door.

"Oh, dear, you're ho—. You've got the wrong house, sorry." Halibel closed the door.

* * *

a/n: If you're wondering, Ichimaru was supposed to sound some what 'paedophilic'. If that makes sense. XD I look forward to seeing everyone again in the next chapter! ^^


	3. Grimmderella

**I don't own Bleach OR Cinderella**

a/n: Sorry for the wait guys, but I'm here to bring you Grimderella today! I'm glad that ff is fixed now, so I can upload more! XD This one's a bit longer than the others, with almost 3000 words (I hope that didn't put you off!). Enjoy!

Oh, and a clear up on the last joke of Little Green riding hood. I don't think it was thagt funny, but Ulquiorra got rejected by Halibel when she found out he was (most likely) gay with Grimmjow. Sorry for any confusion caused. I know, it's not that funny. :S

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**Chapter 3: Grimmderella (Cinderella)**

"Oh, an invitation to the ball! How wonderful! Of course **I'm **going!"

"It says it's for three people, so **I'm** going too!"

"Don't be a bitch! If you leave me out, I'll kill you! I'm **going**! **You**, should butt out, mother probably wants to go too."

Luppi, Nnoitora and Yylfordt were fighting over who was going to go to the ball. The invitation was sent to their house, and three people of their household could go. The prince would appear at the ball and choose his princess. That's what got them so riled up.

"Hush, my beautiful children. I do not need to go. Everyone, go suit yourself. Whoever wishes to go may go. Just don't take that piece of shit Grimmjow with you. He'll mar our family name." Nel shot a glare at glare at Grimmjow, who wore (basically) rags as his clothes, and was disgustingly cleaning the floor with a bucket of dirty, black water and a wet piece of dirty cloth.

Luppi stepped on Grimmjow's back. He stomped and pressed hard on it. "Oi, shit, by the time I come back tonight, my room better be clean! If there's shit all over the place I'll make you eat it!"

Yylfordt kicked Grimmjow in the stomach, making him spill his bucket of…**grimy** water. "Jeez! Look at what you've done now! You better clean that up or you'll be drinking it all. Don't forget to get rid of the empty hair dye bottles in my room. Oh, and get rid of the ones which have 'brown' written on it, even if they're new. I despise brown hair; so ugly!" Yylfordt flicked his long blonde hair out of the way of his face.

"_No wonder you're so dumb…__**blonde**__." _Grimmjow thought to himself, snickering just a tiny bit at the thought.

"What're you laughing at, '**Grimmpoo**'? My bad, **Grimmjow**." Nnoitora put his face up to Grimmjow's. Grimmjow utterly hated Nnoitora, and also that name. He absolutely detested that name. He would make sure Nnoitora would pay when he got the chance. He thought back to the time where he had knocked Nnoitora out cold with his mop and spilled the mop water all over his face. Boy that was great. Except for the part where Nel then locked him in a cage for doing what he did to Nnoitora.

"Now, why don't you all go and get ready. The ball is in 4 hours, so I expect you to be ready to go by then." Nel shooed them all off Grimmjow and asked her (sons) daughters to go to their rooms to get ready. When they left she turned to Grimmjow.

"If you leave any unfinished work by the time we come back from the ball, I've give you 10 times as much to do tomorrow." She then left the room.

"…_Damn bitch." _Grimmjow muttered to himself.

* * *

Meanwhile in Yylfordt's room, he was dying his hair blonde (again) and putting ridiculous make-up on. Not only that, he was trying on every single dress he had in his closet. Realising he was missing some make-up that he really wanted to go with the dress, he decided to go to Luppi's room to see if he had any.

In Luppi's room, he was getting a manicure and looking at his selection of nail polish. There were rows and rows of nail polish, all placed neatly in order, and Luppi was deciding which one he wanted to put on. Right at the moment where he picked up the one he liked best, Yylfordt barged into his room.

*SLAM* The door came flying open.

"Hey, Luppi, do you have anymore of that eye-shadow?!"

"…You…You…FUCKING BASTARD! YOU MADE MY DROP MY FAVOURITE NAIL POLISH!!!" On the ground next to Luppi's feet laid his favourite bottle of nail polish, the container broken, and liquid spilling everywhere. The smell of the spilled nail polish was getting unbearable, to the point where Yylfordt thought he'd pass out in Luppi's room.

"You…you not only did that…YOU MADE ME BREAK MY NAIL! I'M NOT GIVING YOU **ANYTHING**!!!" With that, Luppi slammed the door in Yylfordt's face and Yylfordt heard the lock being placed on so he couldn't enter.

"Shit. Now I have to ask Nnoitora…" (---Doesn't he feel the least bit bad for doing what he did to Luppi?!)

Nnoitora was busy in the bathroom straightening his hair, making sure there was nothing curly, because it would drive him insane. Lying around over the tables of the bathroom were empty bottles and containers of hair gel which he used so his hair wouldn't look frizzy, or stick up after straightening it. He had applied so much on that his hair looked so greased it would be enough to fill a cars fuel tank.

"Damn…damn this piece of hair…" Nnoitora was holding up a pair of scissors. There was one piece of hair which had refused to stay down, thus Nnoitora's reaction was that he cut that piece of hair off. His hand was shaking, making sure he'd get exactly the right cut, and not destroy other parts of his 'perfectly' shaped hair.

"Rhgg…" The intensity was killing Nnoitora. He had to make sure it was perfect. Nothing less.

*SLAM*

"Hey Nnoitora! Do you have any of that eye-shadow?!" Yylfordt had entered someone's room again without permission, slamming the door and making it go flying.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!" Came Nnoitora's dreaded scream as he realised he'd cut the piece of hair off along with a few others on the side. It now looked somewhat uneven on one side. I wonder why.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!" Nnoitora ran out of the bathroom, ready to kill any bitch that stood in front of his face. The first sight he had was Yylfordt standing at his door, with a stupid grin on his face, too stupid to read the moment of anger in Nnoitora, and ended up getting socked in the face. Ouch. There's his eye-shadow done up.

* * *

"Grimmjow, we're leaving now. Be a good slave and do as told. You know the consequences." Nel said to Grimmjow as she and her sons departed for the night. She said that she didn't have to go, but she thought she'd find a way to sneak in, so she went anyway.

Grimmjow watched them depart. In his heart, he really wanted to go too. He wanted to see this so called prince name Ulquiorra. Before he knew it, he became dreaming like a girl with her fantasies of meeting a price.

"Shit…I need to start doing work." Grimmjow hurried to pick up his mop so he could start cleaning the place full of filth that his step brothers had left behind for him.

Up cleaning Luppi's room up, he swore he was gonna die of the stench. Just when he had enough courage (and enough strength not to pass out from the smell) to clean the nail polish, it exploded and something came out of it.

"WTF?!" Grimmjow fell down, and watched some small…fairy looking shadow-thing come out from the empty container. He was dreaming. He had gotta be dreaming. There was no way nail polish could even explode. And to make matters worse, a **thing** came out. There was no way some **thing **could come out of nail polish just by exploding. It defied all logic, and Grimmjow certainly did **not** believe in magic.

He looked up as the smoke started to dissipate from the area of the explosion, revealing the thing which had emerged from the nail polish (not to mention to have defied all logic along with that). It appeared to be exactly what Grimmjow had anticipated. A fairy. It had pink hair, and it wore glasses. And the worst thing was, it was a guy and he was wearing a **dress**. Some kind of cutesy pixie dress. Grimmjow was disgusted. He rubbed his eyes and smacked himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. He then proceeded to repeat this process another two times, until he finally decided he wasn't dreaming and there really was a fairy in front of his face.

"Who the fuck are you?" Grimmjow leaned closer to the fairy.

"How rude! I'm here to help you! My name is Szayel Apporo Grantz, and I'm a fairy!" For a fairy, he had an unbelievably loud voice, which rather shocked Grimmjow, because he moved back quite a bit.

"And just exactly **how **are you gonna help me?" Grimmjow could hardly believe something like Szayel was gonna be able help him. What was he gonna do? Carry him to the ball? Do his housework for him?

"I'm going to conduct an experiment on you, of course!" He crossed his arms proudly, and continued to look at Grimmjow.

"Wait, conduct an experiment? You better not be dissecting me 'cause if you are you're gonna die, midget!" Grimmjow was rather piqued at what Szayel had said. Conduct an experiment?! Just what exactly was he?! A fairy or a scientist?

"Huh?! Wait, I didn't say that! I take it back! It was just a joke! Really!" In actual fact, Szayel had said that. But obviously he wasn't about to admit the fact that he wasn't really a fairy and was just a mad scientist.

"I meant cast some magic on you. You want to go to the ball, right? Well, I can make that come true!" Szayel stuck his wand right on Grimmjow's forehead.

"Wait, no, WAIT!!" Before he knew it, Grimmjow was wearing a dress and taken out of his rags (maybe). He looked at himself and felt…gross. He had never worn a dress before, and wearing one reminded him of his ugly brothers and their poor fashion taste. He really did not want to go looking like such a disgrace, but he guessed it was better than nothing.

"See! I'm not a scientist! I'm a fairy. And now…"

"But you never said you were a scientist."

Sweat drops formed on Szayel.

"Wait, does that mean you ARE a scientist?!" The look on Grimmjow's face sickened.

"Ahh…umm…just let me transport you to the ball! Come back at 12:00 or you'll look like a mess again!" Szayel hurriedly cast a spell on Grimmjow and transported him to the ball, avoiding the question Grimmjow had aimed at him.

"Huh?! Wahg…!"

* * *

"When's the prince gonna come?" Luppi complained.

"It's all your fault, Nnoitora! The prince would never like me now 'cause I got a black eye!" Yylfordt whined.

"Look who's talking. Look at my hair! It's screwed up now 'cause of you!" Nnoitora pointed to a spot in his hair which had a slight…disfigure. It was hardly noticeable.

"Hey, who's that chick? She's so pretty…I'm envious…" Luppi pointed to Grimmjow. He was so stupid he had no idea it was Grimmjow. He had the frikin' same face and features. God, how could you not notice. But the worse fact was, Grimmjow didn't even look pretty. Actually, he was **far **from pretty. With rags newly reformed and turned a lighter shade of brown, made into a dress, I don't guess anyone could look good in that. For gods sake he looked like he was wearing a potato sack on himself!

Grimmjow looked at his 'newly reformed rags'. Wow. He looked like a farmer in the middle of a king's castle. He saw the prince coming down the aisle. Crap. He desperately wanted to get out of this place. He didn't know fuck about the prince or anyone. All he knew was that his name was Ulquiorra. And yes, he was gorgeous, but he himself was not.

Grimmjow had no idea how long he had been standing there for, but the bell chimed and he was pretty sure it was not 11:45. Shit. He needed to be back at 12:00. He was gonna leave until he felt someone's hand on his shoulder which stopped him.

"Would you be my princess tonight? What's your name?" It was Ulquiorra. Oh. My. FUCKING. God. It was the prince. And furthermore, he wanted to dance with him. This **potato sack. **Great. Grimmjow had really planned for this to happen.

"Oh, of course. It would be my pleasure. My name's…_crap in a bucket…I never thought of this…_Ummm….ahhh…Grimmderella." Grimmjow repeatedly thought to himself 'what an ugly fucked up name!'

* * *

"That chick?! Pretty?! Have you gone out of your mind, Luppi?! Though I do have to admit, she does have nice blue hair." Yylfordt retorted. "I can't believe she's dancing with the prince. This sucks."

"I wanna go home…" Nnoitora sulked. He played with his hair, hoping to get it to look decent again.

--

*dong. dong. dong. dong*

The clock had struck 12:00. Grimmjow could see his clothes turning back to rags again, if they were not already. He couldn't let Ulquiorra see him like this, much less let his brothers see him here! He was supposed to be at home cleaning the toilet, and doing other housework. He should have never listened to that insane midget scientist!

"Sorry! Gotta go!" Grimmjow ran out of the ball, as fast as he could, heading for his house.

"Wait!" Ulquiorra grabbed Grimmjow's rags dress. He managed to rip a bit off.

"This dress (rag)…I'll find her again!"

* * *

Back at his house again, Grimmjow ran to the cleaning room, grabbing his mop and bucket of water, running up the stairs and cleaning everything as fast as he could possibly do it. Right about now he wished that stupid fairy Szayel would come and help him clean the toilet or something. And while he'd be cleaning the toilet, he'd flush it so that he would never have to see that crazy scientist ever again.

The door opened soon after and Luppi, Nnoitora and Yylfordt returned. Grimmjow was glad he had mopped the placed up pretty good before that fairy came. Or he'd be in dip shit.

* * *

The next day there was an announcement that the prince wanted to find his princess again. Apparently he had a piece of cloth from the person he had been with last night. He was going around to every house to see if anyone had a matching piece of cloth (rag).

Hearing this news, Luppi, Nnoitora and Yylfordt decided to dress up in potato sacks and claim the prince to be theirs.

"_Smart idea…not."_ Thought Grimmjow. He knew full well that the rag the prince had was from his potato sack dress yesterday. The only problem was how he would convince the prince that it was his rag.

*knock knock*

"Does anyone own this piece of cloth?" Ulquiorra was at the door. He held out the torn piece from yesterday.

"Oh, of course! It's **mine**. You can even see from my dress." Luppi showed Ulquiorra his dress. In actual fact, Ulquiorra had never seen anything so ridiculous in his life. Wearing a potato sack?! Out of the question.

"No, no, he's being silly. That rag belongs to **my **dress." Yylfordt took the rag and placed it against the potato sack he was wearing. Very many similarities in the texture. Not.

"Are you stupid? It obviously belongs to **me**." Nnoitora had never worn a potato sack before. Being as…inexperienced as he was, he had it on backwards.

"Umm…excuse me, but your dress in on backwards." Ulquiorra pointed at the tag on Nnoitora's potato sack which read '10 cents. SALE item!' He sighed. He didn't know it would be this hard to find his princess.

"Who's that at the back there?" Ulquiorra pointed to Grimmjow in the background behind the three ugly brothers.

"Oh, no need to pay attention to **him**. He's just a slave." Luppi snapped back.

"I would like to see him, if I may."

Grimmjow stepped up to Ulquiorra.

"These rags…they're the same! It's you! You're my princess! Um…I mean, other prince…" Ulquiorra said after seeing his princess was…actually male.

"WHAAAAAAATTTTTT?!" Yylfordt, Luppi and Nnoitora cried.

"NO WAY!!!!!"

* * *

a/n: Please review if possible! I'm still open for ideas, so please send more in if you have more ideas, or go to my profile page to see which ones I've planned (if you want to advoid something repeated). Next will be Grimm and the beanstalk. XD


	4. Grimm and the Beanstalk

**I don't own Bleach or jack and the beanstalk.**

a/n: I think this is pretty good. XD I have to thank my sister for Yammy's main lines. She help me a bit. XD

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**Chapter 4: Grimm and the beanstalk**

"Grimmjow, would you please go to the market for me and sell this cow. You know our family is poor, and we need the money. I'm counting on you! You better not get tricked by someone with magic stones or something like that again!" Tosen yelled at Grimmjow to make sure he would do as told this time.

The last time he sent Grimmjow out to the market to sell a rooster, he came back with 'magic stones' which supposedly would grant you good luck. Guess that was a fraud. Grimmjow never listened to what Tosen told him to do. He didn't care because he probably thought that Tosen wouldn't notice, being blind. The worst of all was when he brought back 'blind potion' one day.

"_Dad! I'm home!" Grimmjow came running into the house._

"_Good. Now did you sell the goat I told you to sell at the market?"_

"…_yeah…"_

"_Grimmjow, don't lie to me. What do you have there in your hands?"_

"…_Money."_

"_Grimmjow, don't lie."_

"_I'm not."_

"_Tell me the truth or I'll confiscate your hair gel."_

"_Okay, okay…I got 'blind potion'."_

"_You got __**what**__?"_

"_Blind potion. Apparently, it'll __**cure the blind**__."_

"_You…Don't you even __**try **__to mock me!"_

And you don't even want to know what happened next.

Anyway, so Grimmjow is told to go to the market.

"Okay Dad, I'll make sure I sell it this time." Grimmjow had a grin on his face. One wonders whether if it's a grin of truth or evil. And with that, Grimmjow left the house with the cow on a leash.

* * *

"Stupid, blind, old fart. Always getting me to do things for him. He's so lazy; no wonder he's so fat!" In actual fact, Tosen was not fat at all. Grimmjow just hated him, and called him all sorts of names.

Grimmjow was almost at the market, when a dark skinned man caught his eye. The man approached Grimmjow. Grimmjow, scared, didn't know what to do. He didn't run away or anything though. Instead, he made a rude comment to make himself feel better.

"Why are you so brown mister? Did you get sunburned everywhere? Did you go to a tanning salon? Or did you just play in the sun too much? You're like my dad."

"…please watch your manners, boy."

"Why are you here? What's your name? Do you sell anything?" Grimmjow asked another set of questions, sure to irritate anyone.

"Well, boy. My name is Zommari. I—"

"What a weird name. Where do you come from?"

"…I'm here to sell _magic_ beans. If you give me your cow, I'll give you these beans." Zommari bent down and opened his palm to show Grimmjow. There were 5 beans in his hand.

"..." Grimmjow stared at them gormlessly.

"If you plant these beans in your garden, you will be sure to have riches!"

"…Okay! Here's my cow! Can I have the beans now?"

"Of course my boy. You made the right decision."

"Bye mister! Thanks for the magic beans!" Grimmjow ran to his house as fast as possible.

Zommari watched as he disappeared in the distance.

"…Hehe…that's right, boy. Grow them…"

*Shuffle*

Halibel popped out of nowhere from the bushes.

"What did you do to that boy? And I thought I told you to stay hidden or people might think you're a black invader."

"…sorry…(-_-)"

* * *

"Dad! I'm home!" Grimmjow thrashed the door open.

"Good, now did you sell that cow I told you to sell at the market?"

"Mmmmhmmm!"

"How much money did you get?"

"…" Grimmjow froze.

"Grimmjow, what did you do **this **time?"

"…I got magical beans."

"Grimmjow!" Tosen walked over to Grimmjow and snatched the beans out of his hands.

"Don't give me this crap!" And Tosen threw them out the window.

"You're useless! Can't you even sell a cow?!"

Grimmjow wondered how Tosen knew where the window was.

---

The next day, Grimmjow went outside. He expected another ordinary day where he would have to go out and pull weeds out in the garden. But today was different. Much to Grimmjow's amazement, a giant beanstalk had grown overnight.

"Woah…hectic!" Grimmjow then began to climb the beanstalk at an amazing rate, getting to the top within' a day.

When he reached the top he saw amazing things. So much treasure! If he got it all, then his crappy dad would never ask him to sell animals at the market again. Grimmjow was about to enter when he saw a giant by the name of Yammy.

"Fee-fi-fo-fum!

I smell the blood of a Mundo-man.

Be he 'live, or be he dead,

I'll lure him into my bed!"

"Woah…you're so fat…"

"WHAT?!"

"Look at how fat you are. What do you eat? Fat?"

"You're gonna die for that!"

Grimmjow ran away, snatching a bag of gold as he left, and climbed down the beanstalk in no time.

"Dad! I got some money!" He screamed as he reached the bottom and was back in his own garden again.

"Grimmjow! Where did you get that from?! I hope you didn't smuggle that in or something!"

"Of course not Dad, only you would do something like that."

"WHAT?!"

Grimmjow then rushed out of the house and climbed the beanstalk again, escaping his father's rage. Again, as he got to the top, he encountered Yammy the giant again. This time though, Yammy was sleeping, and Grimmjow had laid eyes on the harp he had in his room.

Grimmjow went to steal the harp, but then the harp started to scream randomly and retardedly, waking Yammy up.

"You won't get away this time, shrimp! I'll make you end up in my bed! (※ wrong meaning)"

Yammy chased Grimmjow down the beanstalk, both climbing down at an impressive rate, with impressive speed.

"You sure run fast for a fat lug that you are."

"You're gonna die, squirt!"

Grimmjow then became to get more and more afraid that he wouldn't make it in time and the giant would catch him. As soon as he got down to the ground, he grabbed a random axe which came out of nowhere and chopped the beanstalk down without a second thought.

There, Yammy fell to his death, and Grimmjow never had to worry again about the giant. The only thing he had to worry about was that his father would make him sell things at the market again. He knew he didn't steal enough.

* * *

a/n: Next update might be a while. I'm thinking of the next thing I can do. It maybe The ulgy duckling, or the first part of Wizard of Oz...I might kill the pied piper too...


	5. Retard of Noch Part 1

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I don't own Bleach OR the Wizard of Oz! : P

a/n: Sorry for the long while to update guys! But today I've brought along with me the killed version of the wizard of oz! This is only part 1, so there will be more! Enjoy---

* * *

**Chapter 5: The Retard of Noch(es) [Wizard of Oz]**

"Hello Szayel, how are you doing?"

"Wonderful, Miss. Riyalgo. How are you today?" Szayel replied back to the townswoman. Yylfordt barked, and bit Yammy on the leg.

"AHRG! That little wretch! It doesn't deserve to live!" Yammy picked Yylfordt up and shoved him into the back of his bicycle. "I'm going to have to get rid of him!"

And he rode off in her bike. It looked rather funny; his ass was way too big for it.

"No! Yylfordt!" Szayel ran after Yammy, but he couldn't catch up. He was walking home now, seeing as he couldn't do anything about him. He saw his people around him and started to cry. "Oh no, Yylfordt's gone…What should I do now? I'm so worried about him!" He pretended to cry, but in reality he didn't really care. _"Damn…now I lost my test subject…"_ was merely all he could think of. But it made no difference to Szayel, all he had to do was to find another one. Maybe.

Out of the corner, Yylfordt came running back.

"Oh, Yylfordt! You're back! I'm so glad!" Szayel picked him up and put him into his arms. "I didn't know you were this smart. I mean—I always knew you were a great boy!" Szayel continued to hug Szayel.

"*bark bark woof…*" (translation: Sure…You **always **treat me so well…that's why I came back…Actually, not really. I just didn't want to get crushed by the townswoman's fat ass.)

Paying no heed to Yylfordt's barks, Szayel then began to sing. The most horrible song in the world, along with heading home.

"_Somewhere, behind the rainbow, way down low.  
There's a swamp that I dreamt of once in a nightmare._

_Somewhere, behind the rainbow, skies are black.  
And your dreams that become nightmares--------.  
Really do come true.  
Someday I'll wish upon the sun and sleep where the stars are ahead of me.  
Where troubles heat like a burning furnace, Away above the chimney tops.  
That's where you'll find me.  
Somewhere, behind the rainbow, bluebirds die. Birds fly behind the rainbow,  
Why then - oh, why would I follow?  
If tortured little bluebirds die behind the rainbow,  
Why, oh, why would I follow?!"_

Yylfordt tried to cover his ears, but his legs were too short, so I guess he just had to put up with it. They were heading home and Szayel looked up at the sky.

"Oh, look, Yylfordt! There's a storm coming. Maybe I'll take shelter in my house. Besides, I think it'll only be destroying my neighbour's houses anyway, so I don't really need to worry. Right, Yylfordt?"

Yylfordt whimpered. He didn't like the looks of the storm, but he couldn't say anything. And even if he did, Szayel wouldn't understand (more like bother to listen) anyway.

So Szayel went into his house, completely ignoring the disgusting whining sounds Yylfordt made, and not even noticing his parents weren't even in the house. There was a tornado right out side his house, but nothing seemed to affect Szayel. Objects started flying and things crashed on the ground.

"Hmmm…it's a bit chilly today…" Szayel went and closed the windows. It was then he realised. "HOLY FUCK! WHEN DID THIS TORNADO GET HERE?! WAIT, WHY THE FUCK IS MY HOUSE FLYING?!" Bit late, much? "YYLFORDT! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!" Yylfordt was nowhere to be in sight. Unlike Szayel, he wasn't as **stupid** this time and hid somewhere.

"Yylfordt?! Where are—Ahg..." Szayel was knocked out by a flying lamp.

* * *

*Whoooooooooooooosh*

Szayel's house was falling down at a rapid rate (obviously).

"Hm? HOLY ---------------------ARHG!"

*SLAM!*

Szayel's house had finally landed, and he began to wake up. He could hear Yylfordt barking at him.

"Ahgg…that was a helluva nightmare…" He rubbed his head. He opened his eyes and looked around at his house. It was trashed and beyond recognition. "Is this even my house…?" He stood up and paced around the house. No doubt it was his house. Just a **bit** trashed. He wondered what had happened. All he remembered as seeing a random tornado outside of his house, everything was flying madly and then he got knocked out or something.

He stepped outside of his house. "Yylfordt, I don't think we're in Mundo anymore…"

"*arf*!" (translation: No shit!)

He walked around, exploring this 'new' place when he came across someone's shoes under his house.

"Hmmm…nice red shoes, I wonder how they sparkle like that. Maybe I should experime—HOLY SHIT! I ACTUALLY **KILLED SOMEONE **WITH MY HOUSE!"

"My, such rude and vile words for a cute little girl/boy like you."

"FREAK!" Was the immediate reaction as Szayel turned around, only to see some chick with silver hair in a ridiculously big and boofy dress. She was so white Szayel felt like he was going to be blinded. What an eyesore (literally). Not to mention she was also in a bubble. Szayel wondered how that bubble could hold someone as big as 'the silvered hair' chick inside without popping.

"Woah. Where'd you get that bubble from? Can I experiment on it? And who are you?" Szayel seemed to forget about everything when it came to experimenting. Well, it's not his fault that once Yylfordt climbed a cactus, and it amazed Szayel so much he decided he wanted to keep it cause it was so cool (Not. He wanted it for experimentation). Ever since then, he had tried to dissect Yylfordt many times, with no success, however he still likes exploring 'other' interesting things…

"Well, my name is Gin, and I'm the good witch of the North. Thanks for killing the wicked witch of the East. He was becoming quite an eyesore."

"_Like you aren't."_ Szayel thought as Gin said the word 'eyesore'. He pulled a face and looked up at Gin's dress. Gin, sensing that Szayel was rather disturbed at his dress, decided to speak, his expression ceasing to change from the huge smile.

"Now, not worrying about matters on my dress, would you like to keep those shoes?"

"Yeah, man! That'd be great! I'd love to experiment—I mean, they'd look great with this dress I'm wearing. I need new shoes, anyway." Szayel tried to avoid the subject of experimentation and dissection. He also kicked his shoes, purposedly scratching them and dirtying them, to uphold his lie.

"Very well, here you go." Gin waved his stick *ahem* wand and the shoes soon went to over to Szayel's feet.

"Cool! Now could you tell me where the hell I am? I got sucked by some random tornado or some shit, and I seem to be lost. Do you know the way back to Mundo?"

"Hmm, Mundo, what an interesting name." Gin seemed to have heard wrong.

"Dumb-shit! That's not my name! I'm **Szayel**! Where I **live is Mundo**!" Szayel crossed his arms; he couldn't look at the witch anymore. Another look at him and his eyes would fall out, even through his glasses.

"Well, sorry. You're in Noch(es). Where you are now is called Munchkinworld, it's full of retards, frankly." Gin turned around and faced in the direction of the surrounding houses. _"Thank god." _Szayel thought. My eyes can recover now.

"Wait, what? Munchkinworld?! Don't give me that shit! I bet you don't know fuck about this world either! Good witch of the North my ass!" He pointed rudely at Gin.

Ignoring Szayel, Gin proceeded to do what he was going to do, without the interruption of Szayel's rude comments. "You tards can come out now. The witch is gone."

People started coming out of the houses and celebrating. They called Szayel a hero for killing the witch, and Szayel accepted this status quickly. He never knew killing someone was a good thing. Maybe he wouldn't go to hell for dissecting things and people. Although he never believed in that statement anyway, he wasn't exactly religious.

"Ping-Pang the witch is dead!" The Munchkins started singing and continued to celebrate the witch's downfall.

Yylfordt, feeling left out, bit Szayel on the leg, catching his attention.

"Fag! What was that for?!" Sensing a disturbance, Yylfordt barked like hell.

"YOU NO TAKE SHOE! SHOE IS MY!" It was the wicked witch of the west! The Munchkins panicked and ran away back into their houses frantically, shutting the doors and locking them.

"Why, it's been a long time, hasn't it, Nnoitora, wicked witch of the west." Gin stepped closer. "Unfortunately, the shoes are gone, Szayel over here with the gay pink hair has claimed them as his."

"Shoe will be mine. Mine. My precious…" Nnoitora walked over to Szayel. Yylfordt scamped and hid behind Szayel's shoes. Smart place. The witch **wanted** the shoes.

"Magic I use…magic will take! I will my broom use!" Nnoitora held up his tattered rake. Unable to hold in the laughter of Nnoitora calling a rake a broomstick, Szayel burst out laughing.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He laughed so hard tears started coming out the sides of his eyes, and he started rolling on the floor.

"What is wrong with boy? He take my shoe, so I will take them back! With magic!" Nnoitora continued to walk closer to Szayel, still not getting the point that he was holding a rake and not a broom stick.

"You do realise you're holding a rake, don't you?" Gin pointed out bluntly.

"Rhg!!! I get you for this!" Looking like an idiot, Nnoitora ran away with his rake, catching all the dead leaves behind him.

"Thanks for cleaning the town!" Gin yelled back. He then looked at Szayel "Now you, mister. Get off the floor. You want to go back to Mondo, right? Then follow the red sandy road and you can see the retard of Noch(es). He will be able to help you."

Getting up off the floor, Szayel decided to speak up. "The red sandy road? You don't mean that, do you? And it's MUNDO." Szayel pointed to barren land far off in the distance, looking a like a desert.

"Oh, my bad, I mean the black death road—No! The brown dirt road. Over there." Gin pointed to a road that led to the forest.

"Alright!" Szayel said in excitement. "Time to go home!" He headed off straight to the brown dirt road and skipped happily into the forest.

* * *

Szayel had been walking for a while and he was tired. It didn't help that Yylfordt was forcing Szayel to carry him from time to time because he was just too goddamn lazy to walk by himself.

"Uhhh…why don't they have cars here? Or planes? Or helicopters? Or anything! Don't they have any other form of transport other than walking?!"

"*yap yap*" (translation: Running.)

Eventually, Szayel reached a farm-like place. There was a scarecrow in the middle. He was pinned to a wooden pole, and Szayel took no heed to it. He went on through the path until he was disrupted by a noise.

"Ahhh….(Translation: Following the brown dirt road)?"

"Did you say something, Yylfordt?" Szayel looked at Yylfordt, the blame going onto him without a second thought.

"*woof*" (translation: Of course not, you dipstick!) Yylfordt turned his head and looked the other way, informing Szayel he didn't give a damn, and it wasn't his fault.

"Hmfp. Cocky bitch (---literally)" He continued walking.

"Ahhhhhhh-----! (translation: Waiiittt-----!)"

"I thought I told you to shut up, Yylfordt! I know you're hungry but you don't have to complain so loudly!" Szayel. still thinking it was Yylfordt, snapped at him. He put him on the ground, and said "I'm not carrying you anymore, fat-ass!"

"Ahh…! (translation: Waiitt….!!)"

Finally, Szayel turned around. Was this scarecrow trying to talk to him? Impossible. There's no such thing as talking hay. If there was, he would be the first to think of it and make it.

Deciding there was something fishy about this scarecrow, Szayel walked up to it and pulled its string.

"Ah!"

"………..!!!!!!!!!!!!............." Seriously, Szayel had had enough of this. A scarecrow that talks. Still going through in his head that it was impossible, he thought of other things as well. Thinking back, he didn't believe in witches or Munchkins, so why the hell did he even listen to that witch anyway?! She could be leading him to a boiling hot pot right now, ready to eat him.

All this was driving Szayel mad, he sounded like he was reciting a fairy tale in his mind or something like that. And no, he didn't believe in fairy tales either. The only thing that made sense to him was that he was now in a fucked up world, where **everything** was screwed.

Getting himself out of the daze, Szayel finally came up with some conclusions:

1. He's still dreaming

2. The world here is fucked

3. This is a prank

4. Nothing is impossible here

5. This world is a fairy tale

He decided that 2 and 4 were the most appropriate answers. I wonder why.

Coming back to reality, Szayel finally said something.

"What the fuck are you?"

"Ahhhhhh…Dirt…road…follow…come…"

"You wanna follow me on the dirt road?"

"Ahh…name…Wonderweiss…"

This was seriously fucked. Szayel had asked the stupid scarecrow a question, only to find it talks like an idiot, and says random shit.

"Ahhh…brain…find…"

"Ohhh! You're a zombie that wants to eat brains."

"Ahhh…! Ahh!"

"Just talk, will you?!"

"Ahh…dirt…road…follow…find…retard."

"…"

"Ahh…retard…have…brain…"

Szayel was starting to get the hang of this. He hated listening to this **thing **talk, but he listened anyway. Actually, he could care less.

"So you wanna follow me to the retard of Noch and find a brain?"

"Ah!" A smile appeared on the scarecrows face.

"No way! Go fuck yourself." Szayel picked Yylfordt up and decided to leave. He did **not** want to travel with a thing like that. He wanted to avoid it as much as possible.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Wonderweiss screamed, not giving up. More like, not knowing when to give up.

"Okay, OKAY! I'll take you!" Szayel went back and untied the rope that tied Wonderweiss to the pole.

"Happy now? Let's go. You can take care of him, Yylfordt." They then set off again to go further into the brown dirt road.

* * *

a/n: How was that? It took me a while to write it up...-_- But as I said, it's only part 1! There's gonna be another part, or two, at most! Review if possible! See you guys next time :DD


	6. Retard of Noch Part 2

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I don't own Bleach or The Wizard of Oz!

a/n: Hey everyone! Sorry for the long while to the update. I am really starting to rack my brain now...-__- But here's part 2! The Retard of Noch finishes in the next chapter! The story after this is still undecided, so I can't tell you what I'm going to do next. However, if you do get bored, you can always try out my new story (10 commandments) since update will probably take a while again. In the meantime, please enjoy reading the Retard of Noch(es) Part 2! Don't forget to review^^

* * *

**Chapter 6: The Retard of Noch(es) [Part 2]**

"Ahrgg! This is **really. Starting. To. Piss. Me. Off.**" Szayel trudged along the path, bushes and shrubs not taken care of in the way of his feet. "Why?! All there seems to be is fucking **forest**!!!! I'm not lost, am I?! I better not be! And to make matters worse, I've got a fucking brainless scarecrow and dog with me!" Szayel ranted on and on for what seemed to be forever.

"*grrrrr….*" (translation: Well, complaining isn't gonna do anything!) Although Szayel couldn't understand Yylfordt fully, even after all his years of research on Yylfo—I mean, after being friends with him for so long, he could get the general gist of what he was trying to say.

"That's big talk for someone who can't even walk by themselves." Sensing it was not the right time to fuck with Szayel, Yylfordt shut his trap. He needed to save his energy anyway, not to mention he was getting unbelievably thirsty. God he never knew singing "Follow the brown dirt road" with Szayel and Wonderweiss would take up so much…effort!

"Gosh what time is it? Doesn't it ever get dark in this world of yours?" Szayel turned around to face Wonderweiss. "When I was back home, it was like, say what, 2:00 in the afternoon. I got to this random place, those stupid munchkins would've taken at least 1 hour and we must've trudged through all this shit for at least 2 hours! So technically, is **should **be around 5:00! Why isn't it even getting remotely dark here?! No, why is it getting brighter?!" Szayel just could not understand this world. "Well?" He turned to face Wonderweiss again.

"…" Wonderweiss looked at Szayel, dumb slacked.

"Don't '…' me! I want an explanation!"

"Ah…"

"…"

"Ah…m…"

"'…m' what?"

"…magic."

"Is that so?" Szayel looked at Wonderweiss in disbelief.

"…ye…" Wonderweiss nodded. He actually had no idea what Szayel was saying. He was speaking way too quickly and asking way too quickly for answers for Wonderweiss to actually be able to take in and understand. Everything that Szayel seems to say just goes out the other side of his ear…hay, I mean.

"Hmmm…" Szayel wondered if Wonderweiss was actually telling the truth. He had been driven so mad by this world he even had to resort to something with no brain for answers. One wonders if the thought that something with no brain that was made with hay could actually talk and walk occurred to Szayel that it was practically impossible for it to live. Guess not. Or maybe he just didn't want to go there.

"Jeez…someone likes to chop wood. All the trees here are just stumps…hey, why am I doing all the talking?!" Szayel looked at his other so-called companions.

"*arf*" (translation: You were the one who told me to shut it in the first place!)

"Ahhh…" (translation: Look…) Wonderweiss held his arm up, his finger pointing to a grey 'object'.

Ignoring Wonderweiss completely, Szayel continued to argue with Yylfordt. "Oh yeah? You wanna argue with me, huh?!"

"*Grrrr…woof woof!*" (translation: Bring. It. ON!)

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Wonderweiss screamed; breaking the tension between Yylfordt and Szayel.

"What do you want n—?!" Before Szayel could even finish his sentence, he was interrupted by yet another person.

"Mmmmnnnnnn…………" Yylfordt and Szayel froze, and watched Wonderweiss point to a grey statue-like figure.

"Nnnnnn…" It moaned again.

"What the fuck…" Szayel approached the 'object' cautiously, Yylfordt closely following behind, and Wonderweiss not even moving at all.

"Heeelnnnnnnn…oii…lllllll…"

"…hey, Yylfordt, we should get out of here, shouldn't we?" Szayel tried to pretend there was nothing there.

"*arf*" (translation: How low…)

"Ok, **fine**, be that way." Szayel walked back to the tin-like object. _"I hope this retard isn't going to follow me either…"_

"Nn…oil…"

"What?"

"…o…ii…lll…"

"WHAT?!" Szayel couldn't understand. He was trying to hard to understand what this 'tin' man was saying that he didn't turn to see what Wonderweiss was trying to do. Wonderweiss picked up a can of oil on the nearby stump and was trying to figure out what it was. He tried smelling it and ended up only making himself cough from it. He dipped his finger into the can and licked it.

"AHHHHHHHH!!" He closed his eyes and screamed at the revolting oil which he just drank. By doing this, he caught Szayel's attention and Szayel snatched the can of oil off him.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Szayel punched Wonderweiss, making all his hay fall out.

"Ahhhh……" Wonderweiss was trying to reform himself and Szayel just left him there to rot, being the person he was.

"Now, I think this is right…" Szayel started to pour oil all over Wonderweiss and picked up a few sticks and rocks. He rubbed them together, forming sparks above Wonderweiss.

"*$&(DSKJ!*$^!_){[???!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?*" (translation: $%*?! **Why the hell are you trying to light him on fire?! The oil's for the goddamn tin if you haven't noticed!**)

"Oh, whoops. I think I had a mind blank just then." Szayel dropped the sticks and walked over to the tin-man instead, pouring oil all over him.

"…Stop! Stop! You'll use it all up!" The tin-man sprang to life and quickly stopped Szayel from expending any more oil.

"Hey, you can talk! And now that you're fixed, let's go Yylfordt!"

"No, wait! I need to see the retard of Noch too. Please let me accompany you."

"…Okay, sure."

"Thank you, now—."

"On second thought, **no**. I'm just screwing with you, bitch." Szayel did **not **want anyone else to tag along with him. He didn't exactly have any **good **past experiences of letting people he just met accompany him.

"…very well…" The tin-man picked up his axe and got into a battle-ready pose.

"I mean, I was screwing with you—ah - as a joke. You can come." Szayel pulled a forced smile on his face, hoping the tin-man wouldn't notice the fake-ness of the smile.

"…You have my thanks for saving me. My name is Ulquiorra. Like I said, I need to go see the Retard of Noch as well."

"…nice to meet you…wait, how do you know I'm going to see the Retard?!"

"Well, I figured that boy there is looking for a body or a brain, and the only one who can provide that would be the Retard of Noch." Ulquiorra pointed to all the smashed hay on the ground, which made weird noises, because it was actually alive.

"Now will you fix him up so we can be on our way?"

"_Fucking ungrateful son of a bitch. If you're in such a hurry, then __**you**__ should fix him yourself!" _"Sure, I'll go fix him right away." Szayel shot another smile at Ulquiorra, who simply looked at him plainly. His eyebrow twitched. He was trying to remain calm. He just saved this stupid piece of metal and now it was pushing him around. He absolutely couldn't tolerate this however he did want to avoid being split in half by an axe. So he just shut his trap. For now, anyway.

"Now, we can get going, right?" Szayel patted Wonderweiss back together, who had his limbs on the wrong way.

"Not quite." Ulquiorra fired back as he stared at Wonderweiss. Szayel hurriedly patched and reconstructed him the right way, embarrassed as hell.

"Okay, we're going **now**." Szayel pulled Wonderweiss back on his feet and they set off further down the brown dirt road. Szayel just wanted this forest to end. He was ruining his new dress and shoes.

* * *

"Hey Ulquiorra, this is the right way, right? Well you said it was anyway…how much further is his damned castle?!"

"It shouldn't be too far. Are you tired already?" Ulquiorra said bluntly, as he looked at Szayel who had hunched his back over, and was walking like an old man.

"_No shit I am. Just cause you're made of tin…! _No, I'm not tired; my back just hurts a little." Szayel straightened his back which seemed to crack a billion times as he stretched. "Say, how'd you get stuck back in the forest there anyway?"

"Well, I was chopping trees down when it just so happened to rain and—."

"BOO!" A lion jumped out from about five meters ahead. "Uh, um…RAAHH!" He continued his failed attempt to scare the group.

"…" Szayel, Yylfordt, Wonderweiss and Ulquiorra just stared at it.

"Hey, is he trying to scare us…?" Szayel whispered to Ulquiorra.

"…perhaps so."

"…well, he sucks."

"*arf*" (translation: You just noticed?)

"AHHHHH!!!!" Wonderweiss screamed. He got scared of the lion, but the lion seemed more afraid than he was as he ran to the nearest rock and tried to hide his fat ass behind it. Wonderweiss began running around frantically which agitated the lion even more than himself, continuing his craze by getting up from behind the rock and trying to run away only slamming his face into a tree.

"What the heck is your problem?!" Szayel walked up the lion and grabbed him by the neck.

"Uhhh…" The lion looked for a way to escape from Szayel's grasp. Szayel then threw him to the ground and started stepping on him. This was followed by an array of different types of kicks, and yes, it included 'jumping on the enemy'.

"Hah! So these were what the magic shoes were for! It makes kicking things and killing them by kicking so much easier! Man, that witch must've been powerful!" Szayel continued to throw kicks at the helpless lion on the ground. "They must be red because the witch killed heaps of people! Hahaha!"

"*groan*" (translation: I really doubt that's the case.)

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!! Ahg—please—ah,stop—kicking—uhg—me!" The lion yelped as Szayel gave his final kick and smashed him good. He skidded about ten meters away from the spot where Szayel had originally kicked him, and was now slightly sobbing.

"Well, what are you trying to do to us?! Spill it!" Szayel was angry, because the lion wouldn't say anything, but also because he had lost his 'entertainment' with the last kick he gave.

"Umm…well…" The lion fidgeted with his fingers. Szayel studied him while the silence remained.

"_What an interesting lion. Not only does he have no courage or strength whatsoever, he's blue in some places!" _

"Well…" He continued to fidget and backed away a little.

"Hurry the fuck up! I don't have all day you know!"

"Ahhh-----." He put his hands over his head as if to shield from someone hitting him.

"Well, if you're not going to say anything then I might just have to hit you again." Szayel cracked his knuckles.

"No! Don't! Umm…" The lion approached the group cautiously. "I'm looking for the Retard of Noch, and I overheard you guys talking, so I thought I might tag along because I'm too scare—I mean, I don't know the way there myself." Everyone looked at the lion in disbelief. He wasn't scared to go. Suuurrree…they all thought to themselves sarcastically.

"So can I travel with you?"

"…maybe."

"My name is Grimmjow."

"What?! No, you can't travel with me then." Szayel waved his hand in the air, signalling 'no'. Grimmjow flared his teeth and showed his claws.

"…" Szayel gulped. Not again. "I take that back. You can come with me…" He had really had had enough of this now. If anyone else decided to tag along they would seriously die.

"_Sweet mother of fucking Las (Noches), why do I get all these retards on my back?!"_

"Well, why are we just standing here? Why aren't we going to the Retard? We'll get there quicker if we start moving now." Ulquiorra started to move further along the road by himself, leaving the rest behind.

The others all replied with tired looks on their faces (maybe except Wonderweiss) as they then proceeded to follow Ulquiorra, "**Yes, boss**…"

* * *

It had been a long way, with Yylfordt needing a toilet break, Wonderweiss falling apart to bits every two seconds, Ulquiorra freezing up and Szayel trying to oil him without Wonderweiss trying to drink it, Grimmjow being scared of bugs along the path and Szayel whining like mad; they had reached the end of the forest.

They were now in a field of flowers, and the castle of the Retard was in front and now highly visible.

"How…bright." Ulquiorra said bluntly, as he looked around the field he was standing in.

"Achoo! These flowers smell putrid!" Szayel retorted, pinching his nose. "Hey, Yylfordt, where are you?" Yylfordt was so short that you couldn't even see him through these flowers.

*thump*

"Yylfordt?" Yylfordt was on the ground, fast asleep. "Hey, what's going on here? No one farted and knocked him out, right?" Szayel looked to Wonderweiss, then Ulquiorra, then he turned to Grimmjow.

"You idiot, look at the sky." Ulquiorra pointed to bizarre white spots falling down, "I think it's sleeping power…"

*thud*

"Szayel?" Now **Szayel **was asleep too. And he was drooling. Ulquiorra couldn't look anymore. How old was he again?

"Oh dear."

*klang*

Ulquiorra had fallen on the ground. Now there was only Grimmjow and Wonderweiss left.

"Hey, Wonderweiss, we should wake them up." Grimmjow was feeling drowsy, but he needed to tell Wonderweiss what to do or he'd leave them all there.

"Shit."

*Boomf*

"Ahhh…." Wonderweiss looked down at his friends who had all fallen asleep. The sleeping powder didn't seem to affect him. He now he was by all himself, and having no brain, he had no idea what to do. How were they going to get to the Retard of Noch now?

* * *

Meanwhile…

"Heheheheh! Plan I work! Shoe will now all belong are to me!" Nnoitora was looking through his crystal ball, pleased to see that they were all asleep, stopping them from getting to the Retard of Noch any quicker. "My plan work!"

"But what after that?" A soldier pointed out.

"…"


	7. Retard of Noch Part 3

****

I don't own Bleach or The Wizard of Oz~!

a/n: Yay! We're at the end! Please enjoy the last chapter of the Retard of Noch!

* * *

**Chapter 7: Retard of Noch(es) [Part 3]**

"Ahh…" Wonderweiss looked around at his now sleeping companions. "Ahh…?" (translation: Huh…? What's going on…?) He looked at Szayel, who was drooling madly.

"Ah…..!!!" (translation: Yuck!!!) He backed away from Szayel and looked at Yylfordt instead. Deciding there was not much to do with Yylfordt, he turned to look at Ulquiorra.

"Ah!!!" He kicked Ulquiorra in the side hoping to wake him up, only destroying his own foot. Hay scattered all over Ulquiorra's face, and Wonderweiss desperately tried to stuff it back into the rags he was wearing. To no avail, Wonderweiss went over to Grimmjow in another attempt to wake someone up.

"Ahg!!!!" Wonderweiss had just smashed his other leg. Now he couldn't walk or move properly. The only thing that surrounded him was his own hay and sleeping friends. Not knowing what to do about his friends after seeing so much hay (in other words, himself) around him, he wanted to at least secure it so it wouldn't fly away. He had to put it somewhere, and the nearest place/hole he could find was…

Szayel's mouth!

Seeing his mouth open, he was so franticly caught in trying to secure his hay, he forgot about the drool, took up all the scattered pieces of hay around him, and shoved it all right into Szayel's mouth.

"**Mmmff!!!!!!**" Wonderweiss had not expected it, but doing so woke Szayel up from his slumber, along with making him go crazy. Szayel tried to get all the hay out of his mouth and thus doing so, he emitted ten times the amount of spit he would've emitted if he'd just been left there drooling.

"What the fuck are you trying this time, you damned scarecrow!?" Szayel pointed at Wonderweiss which he then followed up with the middle finger. And all through that time, all Wonderweiss did was stare. And stare. And stare. I mean, what the hell else could he do?!

"I know! You're the one who put us all to sleep, I always knew you wanted to kill us all…I never should've let a freak like you follow me!" Szayel was so angry that his hair stood on end. He stood up and kicked Wonderweiss, however Wonderweiss laid down at the last moment and he ended up kicking Yylfordt right in the head instead.

"***ARF!***" Yylfordt immediately rose up. But then again, who wouldn't after someone just kicked you with full force in the head while you were sleeping?

"***GRRRR***" (translation: You son of a bitch! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!) Yylfordt bit Szayel on the leg, digging his sharp teeth right in.

"Ahhgg!!!!" Szayel fell down on top of Grimmjow, which then was followed by Yylfordt falling on top of Szayel, and Wonderweiss jumping on the top of them all, thinking it was a game. Grimmjow turned over at the sudden impact and flinged them all on the ground. He may have lost his courage, but it didn't mean he had lost his strength as well.

Rampaging, Grimmjow crazily pounced all over the place, with the intent of killing Szayel (who he, of course, thought was the culprit of all these happenings), but mistook the pink-haired boy and jumped on Ulquiorra instead.

"Crap!!!!" Grimmjow wailed as he held his ass. He had just jumped onto Ulquiorra's sharp nose, which punctured his ass. It dearly reminded him of that time where he jumped into a lake full of rocks (he didn't see, of course) and fractured his ass. He absolutely **did not** want to think about that incident again; much less partially relive it.

"…what happened here?" Ulquiorra looked at his (fallen, much?) comrades. Szayel was trying to tend to a wound at his ankle (because Yylfordt bit it), Yylfordt was clutching his head and whining, Wonderweiss tried to re-stuff himself, and he certainly did not want to see Grimmjow fix up his bleeding ass, which in Ulquiorra's case, was too late to avoid.

Finally settling down after going insane, the group headed towards the Retard of Noch's castle and at long last reached the door.

"God we're **finally here**! I thought my legs were gonna drop off!" Szayel was the closest to the door, and he knocked on it first. "This guy better have chairs…"

They waited a while but there was no reply. This time Ulquiorra knocked. "Hello? Is anyone in there?"

Still no reply.

"Jeez! Son of an inconsiderate bitch! Does he even know he lives in the middle of nowhere and that people actually take **time** to get to his place just to see his fucking ass?! If he doesn't reply after the next knock I'll kick his damn door down and his ass after it's down!" Szayel knocked again on the door.

"Hello?" A pair of eyes appeared through the slit in the door. "What do you want?"

Szayel was shocked at the sudden appearance of someone else. He had not expected someone to actually be in there. "So someone does live here! Do you have any idea how many times I knocked on the door? Anyway, I'm here to see the Retard of Noch."

"…I'm sorry, he's unavailable so you can't see him." The person on the other side closed the slit which meant to shut off connection between himself and the ferocious person he was talking to (in other words, Szayel).

"Why you little faggot! Just who the fuck do you think you are, huh?! I know he's in there! Is he too afraid to show his face to us or something? Or is he all joke?" Szayel was about to kick the door down but Ulquiorra stopped him.

"What are you? Mad? Leave him alone for god's sake! If you do that then he definitely won't let you see him!"

"Rrrhgg…" Szayel took a thought and then calmed down. He knocked again. "Can you please let us in? It's really important."

"No, because you won't die." The suspicious character opened the slit just to say those few words and closed it again.

"_What a jerk_…What if I told you I had heart disease?"

"And what if you don't?" He appeared again.

"And what if I did?"

"You're lying."

"Ask my doctor."

"Who is he?"

"…Him." Szayel pointed to Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra was shocked. What the hell would he know about sicknesses? Moreover, about heart disease? He didn't even have a heart himself!

"Okay, fine, you can come in. But make it quick, jackass." He opened the door and let Szayel and his group in.

"_Look who's talking, bitch-face." _Szayel thought as he walked along the corridor to the Retard's place. He hoped that the retard wasn't going to be difficult like his stupid assistant who wouldn't let them in. Right about now, all Szayel could think of was going home and using his new shoes to kick the townslady. How fun that would be.

"L-look…the room's up ahead…and it's getting darker…" Grimmjow frowned. He was scared shit.

"*yap yap*" (translation: Are you a lion or not? Get a grip!)

"Shut up!" Grimmjow sulked. He hated this place and wanted to get out as soon as possible.

"After walking for ages just to get to this shit head's house we have to walk for another 30 minutes just to get to his room?! This is ridiculous! Does he hate people or something?" Szayel put an irritated look on his face. He could see a door up ahead, and purposely kept that irritated look on his face to show the Retard the distaste he held towards him. He was going to open the door and send it flying but the retard's assistant was one step ahead of him.

"If you want to know, that's just the toilet." He pointed to the door up ahead that Szayel had mistaken for the Retard's room.

"_What the fuck…? _Just how damned far is his room?! I can understand why you didn't want us to see him 'cause then you'd have to do exercise, and yes, I'm implying that you're fat!" Szayel didn't even bother to hide his thoughts. He was just so fed up with this world he didn't care anymore.

"…Why thank you for the lovely comments. The retard's room is up ahead. Good luck and never come back—I mean, I hope your meeting goes well." Szayel and his mates watched as he left them outside the door of the retard.

"…what a son of a bitch."

"Ahh…" (translation: I think you've said that already, Szayel.)

"At least I can talk." Szayel took hold of the door knob and twisted it in order to open the door.

"Who dares to disrupt my peaceful nap?" A loud voice boomed right out. It was the Retard of Noch!

"AHHHGG!!! HOLY FUCK I'M GONNA DIE!" Grimmjow was so scared he ran out of the door and jumped out the window. He had a bigger chance of dying like that than he would if he'd just stayed in the room with the rest of his friends. But I guess he'd be too dumb to understand that. Go figure.

Ignoring Grimmjow as if nothing happened, the group approached the Retard and asked for what they needed. They were here now, and they certainly did not want to go back empty-handed.

"You were napping here? It's such a dump! I'd rather sleep outside than here!" Szayel looked around the room, and brushed his dress as if it were dirty.

"Do you not want you wishes to be granted?! Then leave, whelp!" Ulquiorra disliked this Retard. Why couldn't he just shut his trap and get on with it? This would've ended much quicker if he didn't rant so much. So he thought he'd just speak. There was no harm, he was just doing what he came here to do.

"I want a heart."

"Oh, is that so? What do **you **want then?" The Retard of Noch pointed to Wonderweiss, and seemed to calm down, knowing they were still serious about visiting him.

"Ahhh…" (translation: Brain…)

"I see, you are in need of one." Then he pointed to Szayel, indicating it was his turn to talk.

"I wanna go home!" Szayel whined and gave the Retard an angry look. "And if you want to know, the lion that jumped out the window wanted courage, if you couldn't already tell." He pointed outside to where there was a gigantic hole in the window. "Oh, and you'll need repairs."

"…Alright then. Your wish will be granted. But only if you get the wicked witch of the West's broomstick for me."

"Seriously?! **Are you frikin' kidding me?!** First we have to walk to your house which is in the middle of nowhere, and now we have to get you a broom stick! Get real!" Szayel stuck his tongue out and put his finger up.

"…Well, if you don't want to go home then that's fine by me."

"Rrg…" Szayel had no choice this time but to get the retard the broom he wanted. Fuck this.

So the team went back outside, and looked for Grimmjow first. They could at least scare someone with his looks.

"This isn't right." Szayel looked up at the sky.

"What isn't right?" Ulquiorra looked at Szayel.

"It's still not dark yet!"

Ulquiorra just shrugged his shoulders. It didn't matter to him. He turned back to look at Szayel but heard Wonderweiss scream, which he then averted his attention to Wonderweiss instead.

"AHHHH!!!!" Wonderweiss, who was in the air, flailed.

"AHH!!!" (translation: Help! I'm being abducted by aliens!) Wondereriss struggled.

"You git! They're not aliens! They're flying monkeys!" Szayel urged Ulquiorra to pick his axe up.

"AHHHH!" (translation: Doesn't matter! Same thing!) Wonderweiss screamed back as he was going higher and higher up.

"Wait, I'll save you!" Ulquiorra put his axe up and aimed it at Wonderweiss.

"AHHHH!" (translation: Who's the git now?! Put that axe down! You're gonna split me in half with that thing!)

Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Szayel and Yylfordt looked as Wonderweiss slowly but surely disappeared.

"Hey, when'd you get back?" Ulquiorra jumped at the sight of Grimmjow.

"Well, I saw some flying monkeys and wanted to tell you. So I followed them out, and I kinda found you…"

"*woof!*" (translation: What kind of excuse is that! Anyway, need to hurry and follow Wonderweiss. He'll probably lead us to the witch!)

"Damn straight! And when did Wonderweiss learn to speak as rudely as that?" There was a deafening silence as everyone pretended they didn't hear what Szayel said and ran after Wonderweiss who was still screaming.

* * *

"Here come my monkey! Hehahaha…" Nnoitora laughed evilly as he saw his flying monkeys come back with Wonderweiss in their grasp.

"What?! This is pink hair girl with red shoe not! Where is pink hair girl with red shoe?! This is useless yellow sack!" Nnoitora realised that his minions had brought back the wrong person. He had asked for Szayel, but they had brought back Wonderweiss.

"Colour-blind are you?!" He turned to look at his monkey. It frowned. It was, in actual fact, colour-blind.

"Is useless thing! Nnoitora destroy will!" He set Wonderweiss on fire and Wonderweiss jumped around so franticly and funnily it almost looked like he was dancing.

"There he is!" Szayel came running in. "Shit! Wonderweiss in on fire! Someone get me some water!"

"Is girl with red shoe! The shoe will belong are to me!" Nnoitora ran towards Szayel in an attempt to take his shoes.

"**Oh my fucking god!**" Startled at the sudden reaction Nnoitora made, Szayel took his shoe off and whacked the 'charging-at-full-speed' Nnoitora with it. He was sent flying and got a few of his teeth knocked out.

"How many times do I have to say it?! Get me some water!!!!" Szayel jumped up and down in a panic. He saw some dirty water by the side of him and chucked it on Wonderweiss anyway. It was better than nothing. And while putting Wonderweiss out he had also dissolved Nnoitora as well.

"Whoops…" He didn't mean it obviously, but what did it matter to him? He didn't really care after all.

"Guys! Let's take the broom and get outta here!" Szayel screamed as he jumped out the window on the broom stick, which he was then followed by Yylfordt, Ulquiorra, Grimmjow and Wonderweiss.

* * *

Afterward, they all went back to the Retard of Noch and were awarded for their bringing back of the broomstick. Ulquiorra got a heart as he desired, Wonderweiss got a brain (although getting one still didn't mean he could speak), Grimmjow got some courage (and finally had enough guts to chase a butterfly) and Szayel got a trip home.

However, on the way home, Szayel had an unfortunate accident and fell out of the hot air balloon (which was, of course, supposed to take him home), causing him to stay trapped in Noch(es) for a little while longer. Pissed as hell, Gin came back and told Szayel he could've gone home from the beginning without visiting the Retard of Noch because he had those red shoes.

--------

"You gotta be shitting me! You're saying, I could've gone home without going through all the trouble of getting to that stupid Retard?! Why didn't you tell me earlier?! You jerk!" Szayel slammed his fists on the table.

"Oh dear, did I upset you? I just merely **forgot**_._ Now, you want to be getting back, yes? Ta ta~!" Gin disappeared into thin air.

"Hey, wait, you! SHIT!" Before Szayel knew it, he was back home and lying in his bed.

* * *

Afterword: Szayel kicked the townslady.

* * *

a/n: I hope you have enjoyed the retard of Noch to the max! Thank you for supporting me and giving such encouraging reveiws! The next chapter may be a while, but I assure you I'll bring it to as soon as I can! Thank you for now!


	8. Porcelain White and the Seven Shrimps

**I don't own Bleach!**

a/n: Sorry for the long update everyone! I have been really busy lately, so I hope you can forgive me! XD Anyway, before I say anything else, i know everyone wants to read first! So go ahead and enjoy! Oh right, can you guess who is which dwarf? Please include with your review and the winner gets...something! XD I'll decide!

* * *

**Chapter 8: Porcelain White and the Seven Shrimps (Snow white and the seven dwarves)**

Once upon a time in winter, all the Queen's slaves went out to chop wood in the forest and the Queen was left by herself at home. She was mad to bits. It was cold, the fire was slowly running going out, and so she chucked some wood in the fire and in the process burnt her dress a little. She got pissed and sat down on her bed, and thought random thoughts.

"_Oh I wish I had a daughter with skin as white as porcelain, lips as red as the fire, and hair as black as my toilet seat…"_

And so the queen had a kid with skin as white as porcelain, hair as black as her toilet seat, but unfortunately the lips turned out to be black and white as well. Not to mention it was a guy. But she made him live on as a girl anyway. **So**, after having a kid, the Queen died.

Because of this incident, the King decided to remarry. He married a woman who was extremely vain, ahem, I mean extremely beautiful but vain. My bad, wrong way around. Moving along; people thought she was crazy because she always talked to a mirror but no one said a word because she was so scary.

There were always rumours of her saying 'Mirror, mirror, that's not meant to talk, who is the prettiest of them all?' To which they said the mirror would reply 'When you say 'them all', what do you mean by that? Of the people here? Then you are.' The Queen, Luppi, was satisfied with this answer, as she knew her stupid, dumb, idiotic, foolish, silly, thick, dense, brainless, slow, dim-witted, ridiculous, daft, crappy mirror couldn't forge another better answer than that.

But there was one thing that particularly scared her. Porcelain white. Also know as, Ulquiorra. Her hair was as black as the toilet seat, and her skin like porcelain. Something which Luppi didn't have. Her hair was only ebony, not that that of a (worn out) toilet seat, and her skin was nowhere near porcelain. It was more like a light shade of cream (in other words, skin colour).

Back on topic, the Queen was scared of her because she had the potential to be much more beautiful than herself. Which she would not tolerate from anyone. Not worrying about it, since she was still the most beautiful, she went back to her room and asked her stupid, dumb, idiotic, foolish, silly, thick, dense, brainless, slow, dim-witted, ridiculous, daft, crappy mirror the question again.

"Mirror, mirror, that's not meant to talk, who is the prettiest of them all?"

"It's you…" The mirror replied in a bored way.

"Of course it's me." Luppi flicked her hair.

"Actually I was kidding, bitch. It's Ulquiorra." The mirror stuck his tongue out (obviously it was in the mirror too. The guy **lived **in the mirror for gods sake, why wouldn't his tongue be in there as well?).

"What did you say?" Luppi picked up a bat.

"I mean, it was just a joke that Ulquiorra's prettier than you. Like, you're the best, you know, like, yeah." The mirror stared at Luppi. "…just put the goddamn bat down now, will you?"

"…"

* * *

Angered after hearing the news from the mirror that Ulquiorra was more beautiful than him, Luppi sent out one of his slaves to go kill Ulquiorra so that then he would not be beaten by someone who cleaned the floor.

"Yylfordt! Come here!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I want you to go out and kill Ulquiorra. Then after that, bring her heart back so I can eat it."

With a disgusted look on his face, Yylfordt replied, "…yes, ma'am. I'll do it right away."

"Good, I've already sent her off to the forest. Just go there and kill her for me."

Yylfordt nodded and headed off into the forest.

* * *

"…Hello? Is anyone here?" Ulquiorra walked around the forest. "…Damn…I should've pretended there was no one in the toilet…" She muttered under her breath as she began to try to make her way back to Luppi's castle.

"Halt!" Yylfordt came from behind Ulquiorra. "Under the queen's orders, you must die, Porcelain White!" He took his sword out and readied himself for action. "DIE!"

Yylfordt charged at Ulquiorra at full speed. Ulquiorra swiftly dodged this obvious move and caused Yylfordt to crash into the tree behind him, falling over, and doing a face plant right into the dirt on the ground.

When Yylfordt picked himself up, Ulquiorra almost burst out laughing because he looked so similar to his cleaning companion Zommari.

"…Tch…" Ulquiorra covered her mouth to stop herself from laughing.

"Why you…you'll pay for that!" Again, Yylfordt charged at Ulquiorra. Each time hitting a tree, followed up with a face plant.

_**~1 hour later~**_

"Haa…haa…gah…" Yylfordt gasped for breath. He had chased Ulquiorra around for a full hour and all his attempts at killing her had proved to be futile.

"Can I go home now?" Ulquiorra leaned on a nearby tree.

"No…you…can't…go…home…"

"Are you **still **trying to kill me?"

"Shut up…! But don't…go home. The Queen's…gonna kill you! Run away!"

"Why are you helping me when you just tried to kill me?"

"…"

"Oh, **I** get it. It's because you **can't **kill me." A very true fact indeed; very bluntly pointed out by Ulquiorra.

"Shut up! That's not it! I'm just…being nice! Ahrg!!" Humiliated and embarrassed by Ulquiorra's words, Yylfordt was definitely not planning to tell the truth any time soon.

"Yeah, yeah. Now where do you want me to go?" Ulquiorra looked of into the distance. There didn't seem to be much.

"I don't know…just anywhere! And don't ever come back!"

"Whatever you say. Thanks." Ulquiorra began walking off into the distance. She had no idea where she was going or why she even listened to Yylfordt. She couldn've gone back and killed the Queen with her own hands, being the way she was.

Seeing as Ulquiorra had listened to what he said, Yylfordt instead began to hunt a rabbit. He would take the rabbit's heart and give it to the Queen. What was the difference? A heart was a heart, wasn't it?

_["Szayel! Psst!" Yylfordt tapped his brother, who was conducting an experiment, on the shoulder._

_Szayel turned around quickly. "What? Yylfordt?!" _

"_Do you think this is close enough to a person's heart?" Yylfordt showed Szayel the rabbit heart._

_Szayel looked at Yylfordt in disbelief. "You're joking, right?" Was his older brother that stupid?]_

* * *

"I swear I am in the middle of nowhere." Ulquiorra looked to the side. Another random waterfall. How many had she been past? "It looks exactly like the one I saw the last time I came across one." Ulquiorra got the feeling that she was going around in circles. Maybe she was.

"Hey, look, I can see something over there." Through all the tall trees in the forest, she could see a small log cabin looking thing. "I'll just take shelter there for now."

She went up to the building. It seemed the closer she got, the bigger she got. Oh wait, wrong way around. The house was getting smaller. Or so it seemed.

"Gee, this place is small. I never realised. From afar it looked so big. Well, can't be helped." Ulquiorra knocked on the door.

There was no reply.

"Hello?" She knocked again. Still no reply.

"…" She looked through the windows of the house to see if anyone was inside. Not anyone she could see anyway.

"Oh, what the fuck? Let's just go in." Seeing it pointless to just wait outside, Ulquiorra let herself into the house.

It was quite the odd house. Everything was small. The chairs were small, the tables were small, the beds were small, there was a small piano, a small kitchen, a small fireplace, a small…

Okay, we get the point now, everything was small.

"How…bizarre…I wonder why kind of people live here? Leprechauns?" Ulquiorra took it upon herself that this house was abandoned and did whatever she wanted to. She stole (well, used) their food supply and ate it, played on the miniature piano, and then fell asleep across 3 beds. Little did she know that this house was, indeed, occupied.

"Man…that was sure hard work…*yawn*"

"Hard work?! All you did was sleep the whole time! Hmpf!"

"…Well, let's just go home and have a rest."

"*achoo!* Ehehe, don't mind me, but sure thing!"

"Ahhh…"

"The person who gets into the house last has to cook!"

"Oh my. Look at them all run! I guess I'll have to cook again…"

"What the fuck there's someone in our house!" Yammy angrily pointed to a figure who was sleeping across three beds.

"Oh, and who might that be?" Aizen followed Yammy in to take a closer look.

"Ahh…" Wonderweiss trailed after.

"Oh, dear. The girl is sound asleep! We better not wake her up!" Gin replied happily.

"*Achoo!* Not wake her up? But this is our house though, isn't it?" Nel just couldn't stop herself from sneezing. She practically did it 24-7 and the first night everyone met her they were afraid that they were all going to catch the flu.

Actually, speaking of the first night Nel came over, everyone refused to go near her or eat any food let alone inhale the air. It was contaminated with Nel's 'traces' and hardly safe for breathing in. Wonderweiss almost got sent to hospital.

"Of course it's our house, *yawn*," Stark's eyes began to droop, "if it wasn't out house, whose house would it be? We're the only ones that live hereeee…"

*thump*

"Oh, dear, he's fallen asleep again~," Gin looked at the ground, and then back at Ulquiorra, "Now, shall I wake her up, Aizen-sama?"

"Sure, go ahead."

Gin went to the kitchen and picked up the butter knife. He held it in front of him. "Wake her up, Shinso!"

There was a silence as everyone watched Gin. However, nothing happened. "Oh dear! This isn't Shinso!" Gin put the knife down and opened the drawer. "Oh, here he is!" He tried again.

"Wake her up, Shinso!" The sword extended, and extended maybe a bit too much. The force was too much and dragged Gin along with the movement of the sword. "Oh, bugger!"

*SLAM!*

Shinso shot right into the wall and Gin slammed right into Ulquiorra, giving them quite the wakeup call.

"Uhnnnn…" Ulquiorra sat up from her slumber. "What the hell…?" She put her hand on her head, where Gin had slammed right into.

Gin hurriedly pulled his sword out and ran back to stand next to Aizen.

"…!! Who are you?!" Ulquiorra jumped. She hit her head on the ceiling, but nevertheless, continued to stare at the seven shrimps in front of her.

One was on the floor sleeping, another sneezing like hell, one hiding behind another, one crossing his arms in an angry manner, one retarded one with a sook-like look on his face, a very happy one which kept smiling and one which seemed to be a leader.

And they were all shrimps.

"We should be *achoo!* asking **you** that, freak!" Nel held an unfriendly gesture.

"Well **excuse me**, miss shrimp—I mean, **miss**." Ulquiorra snapped back.

"Can't you see the sign that says that this house belongs to someone?!" Yammy pointed out the sign at the top which read 'Property of the seven dwarves'.

"How was I supposed to know? I thought it was some retarded slogan."

"Shut the hell up you stupid bogan."

Even though she was getting nowhere, and things were just turning into a pointless argument, Ulquiorra was not going to give up yet. She couldn't go home anyway, so maybe she'd force her way into their house. Or just kick those stupid shrimps out. Either way would work out.

"Okay, fine. My name is Ulquiorra," Ulquiorra was looking for the right words to say at this moment. Couldn't screw it up now, or she'd just might end up spending the night in the mine and getting blown up the next morning, "and I've come here to…um…_Oh, for gods sake, just say something…ANYTHING!..._ah…seek **shelter**…"

"No way! Can I just kill her already, Aizen?" Yammy started cracking his knuckles. Then he crossed his arms.

"My, my. Violence is not the answer, Yammy," Gin said it almost too happily that it seemed like a joke, "…but it is an answer." He quickly finished off at the end.

"No way! I dun want her to stay here, Aizen!" Nel waved her arms and sneezed in the process while trying to catch Aizen's attention.

"Hmm…ok. You can stay," Aizen walked closer up to Ulquiorra, "But on one condition."

"Oh? And what kind of condition is that?" Ulquiorra smirked. She was not to let them get the better of her. How bad could it be anyway? If she was paying the fees, she'd just send them all to Queen Luppi with the title crossed out on the letter and replaced with water bills. She wouldn't notice the difference; especially with people like Yylfordt around her.

"You have to cook, clean, make the beds, do all the housework while we're away, and…umm…okay, I'll just say it bluntly. You're gonna be our slave, I mean, maid. Deal?"

Ulquiorra crossed her arms for a second and thought. Well, she wasn't **really **a slave. All she had to do was whip some dinner up and make the bed. So it wasn't so bad. Good thing she had taken cooking classes before. Even though they **were **from Orihime. Oh well, they probably couldn't tell the difference anyhow.

"So deal or no deal?" Aizen repeated.

"…No deal! I'll take the money; I mean, DEAL!"

"Good!" At that moment, a grin of evil crossed Aizen's face.

* * *

Back in the castle, Queen Luppi was pleased that Ulquiorra had been killed. Now she was the best again. And she even gave Yylfordt a promotion to one of her elite guards as well. Smart choice, considering what he did (from her perspective, anyway).

She went up to her room, and approached her stupid, dumb, idiotic, foolish, silly, thick, dense, brainless, slow, dim-witted, ridiculous, daft, crappy mirror again. Asking the same question as always.

"Mirror, mirror, that's not meant to talk, who is the prettiest of them all?"

"Are you mad?! How many times a day do I have to answer this?!"

"Oh, fuck you! This is the first time today!"

"Blah! Bullshit! You asked me at lunch!"

"Shut it! Just answer my frikin' question!"

"Okay, fine! Well, it's not you, bitch-face! I already told you it's Ulquiorra! BLAH!"

Then the mirror, well, the guy in the mirror, went back into the mirror, and disappeared from the Queen's sight.

After hearing that, Yylfordt was immediately demoted.

* * *

"Okay, so you'll have to do this by the time we come back from mining. I don't have much time to explain, so I'll just give you this list." Aizen handed Ulquiorra a list of what she had to do for the day.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll do it." She watched as the seven shrimps went out of the house and into the mining area. "Okay, let's see what I have to do," She read the first dot point on the list, "make the beds. Note: Clean up any other mess with it. You'll see what I mean." Uquiorra spread a look of confusion on her face.

"You'll see what I mean?" She walked into the room where they slept in. There were seven midget beds, and all of them were all untidy. She was just making the beds up, and shoving random pieces of clothing back into the drawers when she went up to a bed and felt something wet.

"Fuck!" She pulled her hand out. It was Wonderweiss's bed. And there was **drool **all over it. Cautiously, she stripped the bed sheets, and chucked them into the clothes washer, and fixed some new sheets on it. Luckily his drool hadn't soaked to the core of his bed. Now **that **would be bad.

Finishing up, she looked at the next dot point on the list. "Mop the floor, wipe down the windows and furniture." Well, that wasn't too hard. Except that everything was small and so light she was freaked she was gonna break the window by poking it too hard. Finishing that up, she looked at the final dot point on the list.

"Cook something for us to eat. Make sure it's still hot and steamy by the time we get back. You'll find some ingredients in the fridge." Putting the list down, Ulquiorra headed off to the kitchen.

"Now lets see what we've got here…salmon, spinach, beef, onion, leek…" She looked deeper into the fridge, "cheese, bread, wine, milk…" She was wondering what she should make with them. She could just make some simple bread, but then they might complain that it's not hot or something, so she decided to go with some stew instead.

"Boil some water…put some onion, cheese and spinach in…I'll just stir that for a bit. Now, I'll chop up some leek…and put it in. Let it simmer…add some milk and put the lid on…wait one minute…I'll just cut up the salmon while it's going…Now it's been a minute, and I'll just chuck some of this salmon in along with more cheese…season it a bit…and I'll rip up some bread and put it in. Done! Oh, almost forgot the wine. Just a little…crap! Too much! Oh well. That's okay. It's not **too** much. But now that's all good to go."

"We're home, dear~!!" Gin opened the door and happily ran to the dinner table, the others trailing behind him.

"Cool, you guys are right on time. I just finished my salmon stew." Ulquiorra picked up the large pot and placed it in the middle of the table. Then she served it to each of their plates.

Eager to eat, the shrimps ignored the look of the food.

"This…this food…" Aizen began. "This food is…"

"Hm?" Ulquiorra looked at Aizen. "Do you like it?"

"THIS IS THE MOST HORRIFIC, DISCUSTING, GROSS-EST FOOD I HAVE **EVER** TASTED IN MY LIFE!!! DO I LIKE IT, YOU ASK? WELL, YOU WANNA ASK THAT AGAIN?!" Aizen stood up on his chair, yelling madly at Ulquiorra.

"…Do you like it?" Ulquiorra had no idea what Aizen was talking about. She followed the recipe that Orihime taught her correctly, and did everything she needed to do to make a salmon stew. So she didn't understand why Aizen was so mad. It was just a joke and he liked it, right?

"This is the last straw, bitch! You're fired!" Aizen pushed Ulquiorra with all his strength, which in reality didn't do much.

"I was never hired!"

"Get out of my face! You're making me wired!"

"Give me a second chance!"

"Pass me my gigantic blue lance!"

"You've got a hole in your pants!"

"Why are we in some rhyme-y trance?!"

* * *

"Damn that stupid Yylfordt. Damn that stupid porcelain white…If he can't kill her, I will!" Luppi draped on her costume, well, poor disguise. She wore a mask, and draped a coat with a hood around herself, making her look like an old woman.

"And now…Szayel, where are you?! Bring me the poison apple!"

"It's right here, Milady." Szayel handed over t poison apple. "I'm sorry my brother did such a poor job. Won't you let me use him as a test to see if the poison in the apple works?"

"No, that's quite alright Szayel. I just want to kill Ulquiorra."

"And you might also want to put some gloves on. Your nail polish and your manicure really makes it stand out that you're not an old hag."

"Oh, **right**, I'll do that."

* * *

After a long night of arguing with Aizen, Ulquiorra got a second chance. She was cleaning Wonderweiss's bed when she heard someone knock on the door. Who would want to come to some crappy little house like this? Moreover, how the hell did they even find it, want to come here, or go through the frikin' forest feeling like you're walking in circles for ages before getting here?

Regardless, Ulquiorra went up to see who was behind the door. She opened it to find an old lady; and without even giving it a second thought, she spoke her mind.

"Sorry, I don't want your charity." And with that, Ulquiorra shut the door in the old lady's face.

She went to resume working, but then heard constant knocking on the door again. Geez, didn't this old lady's hand ever get tired?

Annoyed, Ulquiorra answered the knocking. The same old lady. "Seriously, hag, what do you want from me?"

"Would you like an apple? My husband and I were distributing some and I came across your house." Luppi held out the poisoned apple.

"Look hag, didn't I tell you I didn't want your charity?! Can't you leave me alone?!"

"Oh, please, just take this one apple. It's the only one I have left—."

"Then eat it yourself."

Ignoring Ulquiorra's rudeness, Luppi went on. "…the only one apple I have left to distribute. Here, have it."

"…Uhrrggg…Okay, fine, but only if you leave me alone." And Ulquiorra slammed the door into the hag's face once again. Hoping she wouldn't knock again.

Luppi left, glad about the fact the porcelain white was going to die. But sad about the fact she didn't know how to get home.

* * *

"Stupid old **fag**. Why the fuck would she even want to give me an apple? So random. Oh well, it doesn't matter anyway. Don't waste it." Ulquiorra bit right into the apple.

"Woah…feeling…dizzy…"

*THUMP*

Ulquiorra had dropped to the ground falling into blackness.

* * *

"Phew! That was a hard day!" Gin exclaimed as he wiped the sweat off his forehead.

"Let's see how our slave is doing…Ulquiorra, we're home!" Aizen looked around. "Ulquiorra?"

"Wahhhhh!!!" Nel screamed and pointed to Ulquiorra, who was on the ground, motionless.

"Oh my…what did she do to herself?" Gin kicked her in the side in an attempt to wake her up. No reaction.

"Maybe she was tired of cleaning and killed herself. Anyhow, you know that random glass coffin you once mined out, Yammy?" Aizen wasn't talking to anyone in particular.

"Yeah, that thing's out in the back. Why?" Yammy crossed his arms.

"Can I have it? We'll, just put her inside it."

And gosh, everyone wondered just how much Ulquiorra weighed at that point in time.

* * *

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! I'm lost **again**!" Grimmjow stomped angrily through forest. "Where the fuck am I?! This is the fifth waterfall I've seen! I better not be walking in circles…"

He was about to give up and take a nap in the middle of nowhere when he saw a house and heard a lot of noise coming from there. So instead, he went into the direction of the house instead of napping.

There, he was seven shrimps with some chick in a coffin.

"Hey, hey, hey! What are **you** guys doing?" Grimmjow gave them a wave.

"We're discarding a dead body." Stark said sleepily while carrying the coffin containing Ulquiorra above his head.

"You're doing **what?!**"

"Discarding a dead body."

"Wait, you can't just do that!"

"Then what do you want us to do? Wanna kiss her or something 'cause you think she'll wake up from that?"

Grimmjow looked at the girl inside the coffin.

"What the fuck?! She has **black and white **lips! Is she even humane?!"

"I believe she is." Aizen had been listening the entire time. "So what? You wanna kiss her or something?" He ordered the rest of the dwarves to set the coffin down for Grimmjow to look at.

"I'm good. I think I'll pass."

"Really? Who said it was wrong to just discard a body when you don't know if the person's really dead or not?"

"Wait, so you don't even know if she's dead?!"

"Frankly, not."

"Okay, **fine**, because it's wrong to just do something like that I'll do it."

"Okay guys, you can discard the body." Aizen pointed to the nearby lake.

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!"

"So you're kissing her now?"

Grimmjow sighed and put his hand on his head. "I guess I have no choice."

* * *

**~ 1 day later ~**

"Hahahaha! Now that porcelain white is dead, I'm the prettiest again! Right, my mirror?" Luppi turned to face the mirror, and asked the same question she had been asking for the last century (literally).

"Mirror, mirror, that's not meant to talk, who's the prettiest of them all?"

"Certainly not you, my lady! It's the princess in the castle to the West!"

Seeing that again, she was not the fairest, she just **had **to attend the wedding of the princess which lived in the castle of the West. At least she was glad that it wasn't Ulquiorra anymore. Or so she thought.

So the Queen went to the castle the next day, and much to her shock, it was Ulquiorra! How ironic! And because of all the bad things she had done, she was forced to dance on a hot pair of iron shoes until her death. Grimmjow had wanted to try them out for some time.

* * *

_After story: "Szayel, why am I in lying on the table in your lab?" Yylfordt whined. He was strapped to it._

_"Oh, don't worry Yylfordt. Everything will be okay. **Everything will be okay…**" Szayel replied, as he walked closer with a scalpel in his hand._

_Yylfordt gulped._

* * *

a/n: So how was that? Please review thanks! And I can't say when I'll next update, because I'm working on one of my other fics as well, but I definately will! That, you can count on! I'm not sure which one I'll parody next, but it'll be one of the ones on my list on my profile. I'm still open for suggestion and I hope I'll see everyone again in the next chapter! Cheers!


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